3 Revelations on Student Conflicts
Over the years, I found myself having the same conversation over and over again with different students. From all of these conversations, I have found that students commonly benefit from one of three revelations: 1) the Golden Rule is wrong, 2) story, not action, fuels emotion, and 3) The Relationship Cup analogy. My hope is that the way I have worded these three revelations may aid you when you talk with your own students, or when training your own student leaders on how to recognize and handle conflict.
1. The Golden Rule is Wrong
Say you are ordering pizza for a large group of strangers. You are not sure what pizza they like, but you know that you like supreme pizza. Supreme pizza is a little more expensive, but it comes with every topping! If they don’t like the topping, they can just pick it off, you reason to yourself. It can literally be any combination of toppings! You excitedly hand over the cash to the delivery guy (leaving a generous tip), and rush to show your friends how much you thought and cared about them: 5 large supreme pizzas.
Because the Golden Rule, as it is taught to elementary students, is a drastic over simplification. Luckily for us, it can be fixed by changing up the words just a little bit. Instead of “treat others how you want to be treated” the golden rule should read:
“Treat others the way they want to be treated.”
A trombone player blasts his instrument in the ear of the clarinet player in front of him. You scold him to stop saying “how would you feel if someone did that to you?” To that question, the trombone player looks at you excitedly and says “I would love it! It’s so much fun!” The trombone player does not even know why he is in trouble. Honest to goodness, he truly believes that he is treating her correctly because he loves to be startled like that. The trombone player is smiling and relaxed. He has no idea what is wrong with this behavior.
I have found that is mostly an issue for the outlier students. The students who have few social relationships because they keep to themselves or because they are so overly outgoing they push others away. For these students, this revelation is critical. The way to treat people well is not to treat them how you want to be treated, but to treat them how they want to be treated and the only way to know how they want to be treated is to ask them.
Appendix for the philosophical: upon further reflection, you may realize that treating people the way they want to be treated is to treat them the way you want to be treated. Because you want to be treated the way you want to be treated. The Golden Rule is not really “wrong,” it just takes some deeper thinking to get to apply the rule in this truer sense. Saying “the Golden Rule is wrong” is a click-bait conversation starter that helps break some student’s attachment to the previous vernacular.
2. Story, Not Action, Fuels Emotion
“But when Jack does it, it is okay!”Here’s the situation. Michael sees Jack playfully slap Roman. Roman laughs. Then, Michael slaps Roman. Roman gets angry and Michael is confused. What happened? Why is it that when Jack slaps Roman, it’s fine, but when Michael slaps Roman, it’s not fine? That is because while the action and intent to to play may have been identical with both Jack and Michael, the way Roman interpreted those actions was entirely different.
People do not feel or think things based on what happens; people feel and think things based on the story they tell themselves on why something happened.
When Jack slapped Roman, what was the story in Roman’s mind around what just happened? Possibly he was thinking “oh that Jack! He got me back from lunch!” or “Jack is so silly!” Contrast that with the story Roman told himself when Michael slapped him. Perhaps, Roman thought “Gosh! Michael always does this. He’s such a jerk.” or “Michael hates me. That’s why he hit me!” You can see how Roman arrived at two distinct emotions from the same action. If just the action drove Roman’s emotion, both instances would have led Roman to feel the same way. This is not the case because it is the story Roman tells himself, not the action that drives emotion.
There are several implications of this theory.
First, when section leaders jump in to de-escalate problems, they should not focus as much on what was physically. Instead, focus on the story of “why” something happened. Specifically, the why in the minds of the two people in conflict. See if they fall into one of these three categories:
- It’s a false story on the receiver’s end. The doer explains himself and the receiver can work on controlling their story.
- It’s a false story on the doer’s end. The doer did not realize that his actions were making the people feel this way. The section leader can help the doer plan concrete steps to avoid the behavior in the future and can give the receiver a script for how to react if (when) the doer messes up again.
- The stories align. It is actual malice. The doer is to apologize and face other restorative justice.
The second implication of this principle is a method of self control.
If a person wants to control their own emotions, they are to focus on controlling the story they tell themselves surrounding the actions that occur.
I have come across many students (and adults!) who behave as if they are victims of their own emotions. I can’t help it, they say, they made me mad! Don’t give other people that kind of power over you. Acknowledge that you can be in control over your emotions by being in control over the story you tell yourself. Practice being flexible on the stories you tell yourself.
The better and more creative we can get at controlling our story the better we will be at following the age old advice of “presuming the positive.” The better we can get at presuming positive intent, the more level headed we can be when we approach the conflict. The more level headed we are when going into conflict, the better chance we have at handling the situation with maturity.
It’s the story, not the action, that fuels emotion.
3. The Relationship Cup
Your closest friends and family may have higher account balances than a stranger due to the many deposits you make. And a stranger even may have a higher balance than someone with whom you habitually do not get along due to all the withdrawals either you take or are taken from you. The idea is that if you want to be a leader, you need to have the emotional capital with everyone in the band. As such, you need to plan to make intentional deposits into everyone’s accounts.
You cannot automate these deposits. You can’t just throw out a “nice job today, Carley!” and expect that to do the trick. (Although, it is much better than if you are doing nothing!)
Praise, if given, must be specific, immediate, and genuine.
I love Covey's emotional bank account; however, younger high schoolers and middle schoolers do not have the daily experience of working with a bank account. Making deposits and withdrawals, while sensible, are not always tangible to these younger students. Because of that, I like to use the analogy of a Relationship Cup.
The Relationship Cup:
Perhaps you can think of someone who you know who has a high water level with you. Every little thing they do is awful. Sometimes, the little things they do aren’t even that bad, but just because they are the one who did it, the tiny mishap is unbearable.
Any time you do something that is good for the relationship - writing a thank you card, spending quality time with them, smiling - you make The Relationship Cup a little deeper. When The Cup is deeper, there is more room for the accidental splash of water in from mistakes. You trust them a little more to be yourself around. The deeper The Cup, the stronger the relationship and the more joy exists.
Sometimes, the water from one negative event overflows one Relationship Cup and spills into the others. If Emma snaps at you out of the blue one day, it may not be that your relationship is destroyed. It may be that her cat died that morning and her Cup is just a little too full to handle anyone. This is why it is so important to have friends with deep Cups to help carry the water!
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I hope some of these things are helpful to you in how you discuss emotional conflict with your student leaders. For student leaders to be the most effective, they must be able to identify and manage their own emotions AND the emotions of others.
If you have more advice on conversations you have found that work, I would love to hear them in the comments section of the blog! A candle loses no light by lighting the flame of another candle. Let us all benefit from your experience.
Until next time,
NT
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